When I was eight, I saw a movie about a mysterious island with an erupting volcano, ruled by a beautiful woman called "Tandaleah, the Fire Goddess of the Volcano." It was a terrible movie, but to me, it represented the perfect life. I desperately wanted to be the Fire Goddess and even asked if it was spelled with two Ds.
Over the years, the school system molded me into a responsible citizen, and Tandaleah was forgotten. I had a suitable marriage, became a mother of four, and lived a bland, predictable life. My life was as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.
The week I turned fifty, my marriage ended suddenly. I lost my husband, home, and parents' approval, leaving me with only my four teenage children and overwhelming debt. I faced a choice: rent a cheap apartment and look for a job, or use all my money to buy five plane tickets to the Big Island of Hawaii. Everyone said I was crazy and predicted I'd fail.
The next day, we landed in Hawaii with less than two thousand dollars. We slept on the floor of an unfurnished apartment and lived on cereal. I worked three jobs—scrubbing floors, selling nuts to tourists, gathering coconuts—for eighteen hours a day. I lost thirty pounds and suffered panic attacks, shaking on the bathroom floor.
One night, walking on the beach, I saw the glow of lava from the Kilauea volcano. I realized I was wasting that incredible moment, haunted by the past, exhausted by the present, and terrified of the future. I had almost achieved my childhood dream but was too focused on my burdens to see my blessings. It was time to live my imagination, not my history.
Tandaleah had finally arrived! The next day, I quit my jobs and invested my last paycheck in art supplies. I hadn't painted in fifteen years. My hands trembled at first, but soon I was lost in the colors on the canvas. I painted old sailing ships, and as I started believing in myself, others did too. My first painting sold for fifteen hundred dollars before I could even frame it.
The past six years have been filled with adventures: swimming with dolphins, watching whales, hiking around the volcano's crater. We wake up every morning with the ocean in front of us and the volcano behind us. The dream I had over forty years ago is now my reality.
Well-meaning friends try to set me up on dates, using phrases like "a woman of your age." I gently point out that I've paid my dues. I was a good wife and mother for over twenty-five years. Now, I have grown into the woman I wished I could have been in my twenties. I'm not getting any younger, but I wouldn't want to be young again. I'm happier than ever. I can paint all night, sleep all day, eat what I want, and answer to no one.
It took a long time to find myself, and I had to live alone to do it. But I am not lonely. I am free for the first time in my life. I am Tandaleah, the Fire Goddess of the Volcano, spelled with two Ds, and I'm living happily ever after.