One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make, I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
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My demand for gold stars. I crave appreciation and recognition! But my husband isn't very good at handing out praise. My strategy now is to do things for myself and find intrinsic satisfaction, rather than seeking external validation from him.
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Using a snappish tone. I have a short fuse and become irritable easily. I try to manage my temper by not letting myself get too hungry or cold, keeping our space tidy, and consciously keeping my voice light and cheery. (Confession: progress here is slow.)
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Getting angry about a fixed trait. I've learned you can't change anyone but yourself. Instead of getting worked up about my husband's unchanging habits, I remind myself how small these flaws are in the grand scheme.
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Score-keeping. I tend to calculate who has done what. To counter this, I first remind myself of "unconscious over-claiming"—we naturally overestimate our own contributions. Second, I recall the wisdom: "When one loves, one does not calculate."
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Taking my husband for granted. It's easy to focus on his flaws and overlook his virtues. I consciously try to remember what I love about him and let go of petty annoyances. Keeping my resolution to kiss more, hug more, touch more helps me maintain a loving and appreciative mindset.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?