First Affair
A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery. He took one look at his new son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said, "There's no way I'm the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night, examining bodies before burial or cremation. While examining Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the largest private part he had ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you to be cremated with something this tremendous. It must be saved for posterity." With that, he removed the deceased's member, placed it in his briefcase, and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something unbelievable to show you," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"
Third Affair
A man walked into a bar one night and asked for a beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be one cent."
"One cent!" the man exclaimed.
"Yes," replied the bartender.
The man glanced at the menu. "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replied the bartender, "but that will cost real money."
"How much?"
"Four cents."
"Four cents!" the man exclaimed. "Where's the owner of this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."