English Original
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.
"Good evening," the waiter said. "Table for four?"
"Yes, thank you."
"Smoking or non?"
"Nonsmoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good."
Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. "Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"
"No," I said, "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and baked potato."
"Soup or salad?"
"Salad."
"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp."
"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"
"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"
I didn't want to make another decision. "Whatever you've got will be fine."
"We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch..."
"Just bring me one. Surprise me."
"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?"
"Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility.
"And your baked potato..."
I knew what was coming. "I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it."
"No butter? No sour cream?"
"No."
"No chives?"
"No! Don't you understand English?" I shouted. "I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."
"Would you prefer the six-, eight- or 12-ounce steak, sir?"
"Whatever."
"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you."
"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."
"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, diced carrots..."
That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?"
"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"
"I prefer right here," I said, and sucker-punched him.
He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.
When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned waiter right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the parmesan—whatever I wanted.
"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water."
"Yes, sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a wedge of lime?"
中文翻译
还记得下馆子曾是一种放松的体验吗？别人为你做饭、为你服务、为你收拾残局。你要做的只是咀嚼、吞咽和付钱。然而，这样的日子一去不复返了。如今，你感觉自己像一只实验室的老鼠，每次想吃一块奶酪，都必须在迷宫里挣扎一番。
“晚上好，”服务员说。“四位吗？”
“是的，谢谢。”
“吸烟区还是无烟区？”
“无烟区。”
“您今晚喜欢在室内还是室外用餐？”
“我想室内应该不错。”
然后，一个穿着比我们任何人都好、长得也比我们任何人都帅的年轻人出现在我们桌旁。“晚上好，我叫保罗，今晚我将为您服务。您需要几分钟时间考虑一下再点餐吗？”
“不用了，”我说，“我只是个爱吃肉和土豆的普通人，所以我要菲力牛排和烤土豆。”
“要汤还是沙拉？”
“沙拉。”
“我们有混合蔬菜沙拉、棕榈心沙拉，或者非常美味的菊苣沙拉配小虾。”
“就来个混合蔬菜沙拉，好吗？”
“听您的，先生。沙拉酱呢？”
我不想再做决定了。“你们有什么都行。”
“我们有奶油意大利酱、蓝纹奶酪酱、油醋汁、千岛酱、蜂蜜芥末酱、牧场酱……”
“随便给我一种。给我个惊喜。”
“奶油意大利酱是我们的招牌特色。可以吗，先生？”
“可以。”我简短地答道。我已经顾不上礼貌了。
“您的烤土豆……”
我知道他要问什么。“我只想要原味的烤土豆，明白吗？我什么都不要加。”
“不要黄油？不要酸奶油？”
“不要。”
“不要细香葱？”
“不要！你听不懂英语吗？”我喊道。“我什么都不要加。就给我一个烤土豆和一份牛排。”
“先生，您想要六盎司、八盎司还是十二盎司的牛排？”
“随便。”
“您想要一分熟、三分熟、五分熟、七分熟还是全熟？或者，如果您愿意，我们可以为您做成蝴蝶切。”
“保罗小子，”我说，“你真的开始让我火大了。”
“这就说到蔬菜了，先生。您想要蒸西兰花、奶油玉米、炒西葫芦、胡萝卜丁……”
这下我忍无可忍了。我把餐巾扔到地上，站起来，把脸凑到他傲慢的嘴脸前，说：“我们到外面去解决怎么样？”
“我没问题，先生。您喜欢停车场、旁边的小巷，还是餐厅前的街道？”
“我更喜欢就在这里，”我说着，冷不防给了他一拳。
他躲开了，然后一记左勾拳还击，正中我的眼睛下方。这是整个晚上他第一次没有给我提供选择。我半昏迷地瘫倒在椅子上，这时一个管事的人冲过来斥责了保罗。
当我恢复知觉时，我看到那位非常关切的服务员就在我眼前。他道了歉，并提出要给我买杯酒，叫帕尔马干酪——无论我想要什么。
“不，不用了，”我说。“我没事。就给我一杯水吧。”
“好的，先生，马上就来，”他说。“您想要进口矿泉水、气泡水，还是加了一片青柠的苏打水？”