A Collection of Guo Degang's Hilarious Crosstalk Quotes | 郭德纲相声搞笑语录集锦

English Translation

1. Walk your own road, and let others talk.
2. One catty of watermelon, please weigh it accurately.
3. When a scientist knows martial arts, even hooligans can't stop him.
4. If you don't know him, you've never eaten pork.
5. Haven't eaten for days; everyone starts to look like a pancake to me.
6. Tickets are 20 yuan, but causing a ruckus costs 16,000. Laugh again and I'll charge extra.
7. Just as we were talking, Bush's pager went off—it's an English display one.
8. It's their family tradition: if you don't pick up something you find on the road, it counts as a loss.
9. Your shameless look quite resembles my charm when I was young.
10. You're in great shape! One look and I can tell you'll live until you die.
11. This young man... if you cover his face, he looks just like an actor.
12. The only difference between me and Superman is that I wear my underwear inside.
13. Last time I got drunk, I mistook chopsticks for chicken feet and ate one and a half.
14. "Dad, I'm hungry!" "Hungry again? Didn't you eat last year?"
15. I can throw the shot put really far. But the coach said, 'It doesn't count if you go out with it!'
16. Nobody leave after the show! I'm treating everyone to dinner—whoever goes pays.
17. (Isn't that blonde hair and blue eyes?) Nonsense! This is blonde hair, and (he's) keeping his eyes closed.
18. His brain is the size of a pine nut. Open his skull and you'll find just a bowl of stewed organs.
19. Would you like to listen, would you like to listen, or would you like to listen? I won't force you.
20. Hah! He talks back to me! You think I don't dare to stew you? If we had a big enough pot at home, I'd have stewed you long ago.
21. Arriving in Heaven, the architecture is beautiful. There's a sign on both sides: 'No vending within 100 meters of Heaven!'
22. Craving a burger? Wrap it in paper and unwrap it to eat. Craving crab? Just take off the shell. Craving milk? Just pinch a bit off a steamed bun...
23. Today's story isn't from long ago. Those with elders at home can go ask them—it happened during the Spring and Autumn and Warring States period...
24. I bought 50 fine cars—Alto, Alto, Alto...! Tied them together with wire, and driving them is just like a train!
25. There was this senior, very successful. He robbed 1.83 million in cash. When the police arrived at 5:40 PM, he was still stuck in traffic on the North Third Ring Road.
26. No door can bar him, no lock can hold him. Even a bank's safety lock—he can pick it open with a stalk of celery.
27. We got lost halfway. He took out a bunch of instruments, a compass pointing north, south, east, west... I said, 'That's outdated. We need an advanced method—throw a shoe.'
28. You don't even like Zhajiangmian (noodles with soybean paste)? You've forgotten your roots!!!
29. I've been an artist for over a week now.
30. Spent 200 coins on a little piggy. It goes 'squeak squeak' drinking water, 'crunch crunch' eating beans. Toss it over the wall—'squeak!' Guess what? It died!

中文原文

1. 走自己的路，想说谁说谁去吧。
2. 来一斤西瓜，称给准点儿。
3. 科学家会武术，流氓都挡不住。
4. 谁要不认识他，谁就没吃过猪肉。
5. 好些天都没吃饭了，看谁都像烙饼。
6. 听相声二十，起哄一万六。再笑加钱。
7. 正说着呢，布什身上BP机响，英显的。
8. 他们家有门风么，走道不拣东西就算丢。
9. 你无耻的样子，颇有我年轻时候的神韵。
10. 您体格好啊，一看就知道一准儿活到死。
11. 这小伙子长得，把脸挡上跟个演员似的……
12. 我和超人唯一的区别就是我把内裤穿里边了。
13. 上次喝多了，拿筷子当鸡爪子，吃了一根半。
14. “爸爸，我饿!” “又喊饿，你去年没吃饭吗?”
15. 我扔铅球扔得可远了，教练说了，人出去了不算啊！
16. 散场大家都别走啊，我请大家吃饭——谁去谁掏钱。
17. (那不金发碧眼吗？)废话，这不金发，闭着眼呢吗。
18. 这脑仁就松籽儿大的个儿，打开脑壳一看，就一碗卤煮。
19. 大伙是愿意听啊是愿意听啊还是愿意听啊？我决不强求。
20. 呵！他跟我犟嘴！你以为我不敢炖你，我们家要有锅我早把你炖了。
21. 来到天堂，这儿建筑好看，两边还有牌子：天堂左右一百米严禁摆摊！
22. 想吃汉堡，包张纸揭开吃；想吃螃蟹，揭个盖；想喝奶，馒头上弄一揪儿……
23. 今天说的这故事，离现在不远，家里有老人的可以回去问问，在春秋战国时期啊……
24. 我买50辆好车--奥拓、奥拓、奥拓……！用铁丝镖起来，开起来跟火车一样！
25. 有一前辈，很成功，抢劫183万现金，下午5:40警察到的时候，还跟北三环堵着呢。
26. 没有拦得住他的门，没有挡得住他的锁，就是银行的保险锁他弄根芹菜就能把它捅开了。
27. 我们半路迷路了，他拿出一堆仪器来，指东南西北针……我说你这都落后了，咱得采取先进的办法，扔鞋吧。
28. 连炸酱面都不爱吃？你忘本啊！！！
29. 我当艺术家都一个多礼拜了。
30. 花二百钱买一小猪儿，吱吱喝水，嘎巴嘎巴吃豆，解墙头扔过去，吱的一声，你猜怎么着~~~死了！