The Redneck Oil Change Checklist | 红脖子式换油清单

English Original

1. Go to O'Reilly's auto parts and write a check for $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
2. Discover the used oil container is full. Dump it in a hole in the backyard instead of recycling it.
3. Open and drink a beer.
4. Jack up the car. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under the kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open and drink another beer.
7. Place the drain pan under the engine.
8. Look for a 9/16 box-end wrench.
9. Give up and use a crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew the drain plug.
11. Drop the drain plug into the pan of hot oil, getting oil on yourself.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while the oil drains.
14. Look for the oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke the oil filter with a screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish the case of beer with him. Decide to finish the oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag the pan full of old oil out from under the car.
19. Throw kitty litter on the oil spilled in step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-Eleven; buy beer.
22. Install the new oil filter, applying a thin coat of clean oil to the gasket first.
23. Dump the first quart of fresh oil into the engine.
24. Remember the drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find the drain plug in the drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace the drain plug before the fresh oil drains onto the floor.
27. Slip with the wrench and bang your knuckles on the frame.
28. Bang your head on the floorboard in reaction.
29. Begin a cussing fit.
30. Throw the wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply a Band-Aid to your knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in an additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower the car from the jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move the car back to apply more kitty litter to the fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive the car.
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get the car from the impound yard.

Money Spent:
- $50 parts
- $12 beer
- $75 replacement set of jack stands (colors have to match!)
- $1000 bail
- $200 impound and towing fee
- Total: $1337

中文翻译

1. 去O'Reilly汽车配件店，开一张50美元的支票购买机油、滤清器、猫砂、洗手液和香薰树。
2. 发现废油桶满了。没有拿回O'Reilly回收，而是倒在后院的坑里。
3. 开一瓶啤酒喝掉。
4. 用千斤顶顶起汽车。花了30分钟找千斤顶支架。
5. 在孩子的踏板车下找到了千斤顶支架。
6. 沮丧之下，又开了一瓶啤酒喝掉。
7. 将放油盘放在发动机下方。
8. 寻找9/16的梅花扳手。
9. 放弃，使用活动扳手。
10. 拧开放油螺栓。
11. 将放油螺栓掉进热油盘里，过程中热油溅到自己身上。
12. 清理。
13. 在机油排放时，再喝一瓶啤酒。
14. 寻找机油滤清器扳手。
15. 放弃；用螺丝刀捅穿机油滤清器并拧下来。
16. 啤酒。
17. 哥们来了；和他一起喝完一箱啤酒。决定明天再完成换油。
18. 第二天，把装满旧油的盘子从车底下拖出来。
19. 将猫砂撒在第18步中溢出的油上。
20. 啤酒。不，昨天全喝光了。
21. 步行去7-11便利店；买啤酒。
22. 安装新机油滤清器，记得先在垫圈上涂一层薄薄的干净机油。
23. 将第一夸脱新机油倒入发动机。
24. 想起第11步中的放油螺栓。
25. 急忙在放油盘中寻找放油螺栓。
26. 急忙在整夸脱新机油流到地板上之前，重新装上放油螺栓。
27. 扳手打滑，指关节磕在车架上。
28. 反应之下，头撞到地板。
29. 开始一阵咒骂。
30. 扔掉扳手。
31. 咒骂和抱怨。
32. 清理；在指关节上贴创可贴。
33. 啤酒。
34. 啤酒。
35. 再倒入4夸脱机油。
36. 啤酒。
37. 将汽车从千斤顶支架上降下来。
38. 不小心压坏了一个千斤顶支架。
39. 把车挪回去，在第23步中溢出的新机油上撒更多猫砂。
40. 试驾汽车。
41. 被警察拦下；因酒驾被捕。
42. 汽车被扣押。
43. 交保释金；从扣押场取回汽车。

花费清单:
- 50美元 零件
- 12美元 啤酒
- 75美元 替换千斤顶支架套装（颜色必须匹配！）
- 1000美元 保释金
- 200美元 扣押和拖车费
- 总计: 1337美元