Five Mistakes I Made in My Marriage | 我在婚姻中犯的五个错误

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essay lifestyle marriage personal-growth relationships self-improvement

English Original

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make, I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.

My demand for gold stars. I crave appreciation and recognition! But my husband isn't very good at handing out praise. My strategy now is to do things for myself and find intrinsic satisfaction, rather than seeking external validation from him.
Using a snappish tone. I have a short fuse and become irritable easily. I try to manage my temper by not letting myself get too hungry or cold, keeping our space tidy, and consciously keeping my voice light and cheery. (Confession: progress here is slow.)
Getting angry about a fixed trait. I've learned you can't change anyone but yourself. Instead of getting worked up about my husband's unchanging habits, I remind myself how small these flaws are in the grand scheme.
Score-keeping. I tend to calculate who has done what. To counter this, I first remind myself of "unconscious over-claiming"—we naturally overestimate our own contributions. Second, I recall the wisdom: "When one loves, one does not calculate."
Taking my husband for granted. It's easy to focus on his flaws and overlook his virtues. I consciously try to remember what I love about him and let go of petty annoyances. Keeping my resolution to kiss more, hug more, touch more helps me maintain a loving and appreciative mindset.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?

中文翻译

我的“幸福计划”的十二个主题之一就是婚姻。对我以及许多人而言，婚姻是生活和幸福的核心要素。当我开始我的幸福计划并反思我想要做出的改变时，我意识到我的婚姻中存在五个特定的问题领域。

对“金色星星”的渴望。 我渴望赞赏和认可！但我的丈夫并不擅长给予表扬。我现在的策略是为自己做事，寻找内在的满足感，而不是从他那里寻求外部的认可。
使用急躁的语气。 我脾气急躁，很容易变得烦躁。我尝试通过不让自己太饿或太冷、保持空间整洁、有意识地让声音保持轻快愉快来控制脾气。（坦白说：这方面进展缓慢。）
对固有特质生气。 我明白你无法改变任何人，除了你自己。我不再为丈夫那些不变的习惯而生气，而是提醒自己，在更大的格局下，这些缺点是多么微不足道。
记分心态。 我倾向于计算谁做了什么。为了克服这一点，我首先提醒自己“无意识的自利偏差”——我们自然会高估自己的贡献。其次，我铭记这句箴言：“当一个人爱时，他不会算计。”
把丈夫的付出视为理所当然。 很容易专注于他的缺点而忽视他的优点。我有意识地努力记住我爱他的地方，放下琐碎的烦恼。坚持我多亲吻、多拥抱、多抚摸的决心，帮助我保持充满爱意和感激的心态。