English Original
First Affair
A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery. He took one look at his new son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said, "There's no way I'm the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night, examining bodies before burial or cremation. While examining Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the largest private part he had ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you to be cremated with something this tremendous. It must be saved for posterity." With that, he removed the deceased's member, placed it in his briefcase, and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something unbelievable to show you," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"
Third Affair
A man walked into a bar one night and asked for a beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be one cent."
"One cent!" the man exclaimed.
"Yes," replied the bartender.
The man glanced at the menu. "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replied the bartender, "but that will cost real money."
"How much?"
"Four cents."
"Four cents!" the man exclaimed. "Where's the owner of this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
中文翻译
第一则轶事
一对中年夫妇有两个美得惊人的十几岁的女儿。他们决定最后再试一次，生一个一直想要的儿子。经过数月的努力，妻子怀孕了，九个月后，生下了一个健康的男婴。
欣喜若狂的父亲冲到育婴室。他看了一眼新生儿，惊恐地发现这是他见过的最丑的孩子。他走到妻子面前说：“我绝不可能是这孩子的父亲。看看我生的两个漂亮女儿！”他严厉地看着她，问道：“你是不是背着我乱来了？”
妻子只是甜甜地笑着说：“这次没有。”
第二则轶事
一天晚上，一位殡葬师工作到很晚，在尸体下葬或火化前进行检查。在检查即将被火化的施瓦茨先生时，他发现了自己见过的最大的私处。
“对不起，施瓦茨先生，”殡葬师说，“但我不能让你带着这么巨大的东西去火化。它必须为后代保存下来。”说完，他取下了死者的器官，放进公文包带回了家。
他第一个展示的人是自己的妻子。“我有件难以置信的东西给你看，”他说着打开了公文包。
“哦，我的天啊！”她尖叫道。“施瓦茨死了！”
第三则轶事
一天晚上，一个男人走进一家酒吧，要了一杯啤酒。
“当然，先生。一美分。”
“一美分！”男人惊呼。
“是的，”酒保回答。
男人瞥了一眼菜单。“我能来一份多汁美味的T骨牛排，配上薯条、豌豆和一个煎蛋吗？”
“当然可以，先生，”酒保回答，“但那要花真钱了。”
“多少钱？”
“四美分。”
“四美分！”男人惊呼。“这家店的老板在哪儿？”
酒保回答：“在楼上和我妻子在一起。”
男人问：“他和你妻子在干什么？”
酒保回答：“就像我在对他的生意做的一样。”